THE BURDEN OF SHAME….

I do not feel any shame when people discover that I spent much of my youth in the Care System.

I have never felt any shame over the way I was treated as a child while in that system.

After all, the bruises soon faded, the wounds have long healed, and by and large I have not had a recurring nightmare for some years now.

Some of the affects I still feel today of course, that cannot be helped and will probably stay with me for the remainder of my life, but I am not ashamed of it.

It wasn’t my fault you see, I did not ask for it, and therefore cannot be held responsible for it, so whatever else I may feel in regard to those times, I do not carry the added burden of being ashamed.

It was common practice then, It was seen as being somehow ‘normal’ and I was not singled out, it went on in almost every place I was taken to.

But not every place was bad, there were some where the lads were treated well, and even thrived in a family-like atmosphere run with the mutual respect of the staff and the kids.

Unfortunately, I was never going to be sent to those homes.

I was classed as a ‘high risk’ and difficult child who was prone to absconding and liable to cause problems for the home’s staff. You could say I had in some way, established a ‘reputation’ which normally preceded my arrival.

So by the time I was bundled up and delivered to whatever institution had the room and facilities to deal with me, they were always well prepared.

But I survived, I got through it the best way I could, doing whatever was necessary to get through the whole thing as quickly as I could. I am not particularly proud of some of the things I needed to do, I have hurt others as I myself have been hurt.

I have remained silent for more than thirty years, preferring to live my life as normally as I could without ever having to speak a word about those times, and until recently I truly thought I would never have to.

I have made my statement, I have opened my own particular box of horrors just enough to give the mawkish investigators enough to justify the three hours they spent in my company, added my side of the story to the others that have done similar, and continued on my journey.

I do feel some shame though.

I feel deeply ashamed that 9,941,263 people attended Premier League Football matches last season.

I feel ashamed that 8.4 Million people watched the 2012 X-Factor Final.

I feel ashamed that 12.2 Million people sat and watched the 2012 Strictly Come Dancing Final.

Why do I feel ashamed?

Because the number of people who were willing to sign a Petition to ‘Publish the Records Related to the Paedophile Information Exchange Held In Official Archives’ was……… 843.

That is why I needlessly feel ashamed.

Not for myself, but for the people who seem to care more for a Football Match, or a manipulated and vacuous TV Show.

For those who will happily call a Television Studio in their millions to keep a fame-obsessed wannabe one more week, and for those who hero worship vastly overpaid soccer players without a second thought.

22 Comments

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  1. Me too, I am ashamed of what we humans turn away from because it’s unpleasant or difficult or uncomfortable. I signed.

  2. No wonder Mr Murrin has lost a bit of confidence. I these signed months ago – they won’t let me sign a second time! duh !! But they are still way off their respective closing dates. I shall tweet them again now, and shall continue up until March 28th Online Action Day. They should be made a part of that IMHO. I shall also suggest that Chuggy puts them on the end of the ‘Everybody Knows’ Savile YouTube Video, with an exhortation for everyone to go sign 🙂

    1. I know the petitions will not change anything, but I truly thought that more people cared….

      Half a million people demonstrated against the Iraq War during Tony Blair’s Tenure …

      We still went there…

  3. Thanks Jimmy. I feel shame, I signed two of the petitions & shared on FB sure that all my friends would too & share. I was obviously wrong. x

    1. No chance whatsoever of waking anybody up on FB, but at least now they have opportunity to know there is more going on in this country than the sanitised version on Trash TV eh?..

  4. Trying on FB again x

    1. Need to keep trying. one person at a time eh….x

  5. Hiya Jimmy, please can you send a link through or web link to these petitions please? Me thinks is time to wake the nation n kick some ass! We are on fb and am networking at the mo time to do some waking up the Nation!! We are stunned at these ignorant peoples who couldn’t give ATOS but that’s another story. Is for them to wake smell the Coffee yea! We keeping you in our prayers hugs.

      1. Thanks Jimmy for the links for your e-petitions, we are signing and networking them far and wide. Keep doing what you’re doing is so very important. for yourself and all those nationwide who have been affected by this. We only know you’ve been here a few weeks, have touched us in so many ways, which helping us in our journey for closure. Amongst the tears, smiles and despair we say Thank you. Keeping you in our prayers. Keep on keeping on 🙂

        1. They are not my EPetitions Lizzie

    1. Lizzie – I am sure that they are all on one of Jimmy’s earlier posts, back in December ?

      1. Hiya Rainbowsopie, blessings n thanks for the heads up, we only found Outlaws blog few weeks back and still enjoying reading all the blogs. Am just networking the e-petitions today. We also been doing some other research we found out too. will check your blog out in a bit. TTFN 🙂

  6. Hello Jimmy,

    I wanted you to know that the reason I haven’t signed the petitions is because I have no trust or respect in those being petitioned & not because I don’t care about the rape, torture & murder of children at the hands of the establishment.

    I am not in denial about the extent of paedophilia & abuse that lies at the heart of power in the UK, Europe & America.

    It is something I became very aware of as a nurse therapist in a therapeutic community in my 20’s working with young adults who shared their experiences of abuse & neglect as children.

    Although on one level it breaks my heart to know the horrors many have lived through, I believe all truth has a price & it is always worth paying.

    I met some of the most amazing, beautiful, sad, soulful, intelligent, charismatic people who changed my life forever & once I was able to cope with my own feelings about what had happened to them, I tried my best to listen to & understand them, even if I often didn’t have any answers in the face of their struggle to heal.

    I don’t say that to try & sound ‘good’ or ‘righteous’ or anything, I really believe that we have to know our enemy in order to oppose them, wherever that leads us.

    More importantly, I understand that unless the psychopaths responsible for these crimes against humanity are identified & held responsible then none of us are free, or safe.

    But for circumstance, it could have been me or my children at the hands of these sadistic psychopaths.

    Everyday I try to think of ways I can peacefully oppose, subvert, resist, refuse the system which has not only nurtured the thieves, liars, child rapists, mass murderers but celebrated & rewarded them.

    I believe the system is so sick, so depraved, corrupt, & twisted, it can no longer be saved by petitions, letters, marches, or even elections.

    To me, petitioning these criminals is similar to begging & is futile. I stopped believing politicians & lawyers are going to save us some time ago.

    We are going to save ourselves & each other by taking our power back from these bastards.

    I can understand & am sad to think the lack of support for the petitions may feel to someone who has suffered so much, but I think it does not reflect apathy, so much as despair, disgust or disillusionment of the British people.

    I have vowed I will never pay another penny in tax of any kind to known serial liars, thieves, rapists, paedophiles, mass murderers despite knowing one day I will have to take responsibility for the consequences of withholding ‘protection’ money from the mafia government & monarchy.

    I am not a slave & even though I am scared of what they may try & do to me, I will not act like one.

    I want you to know you & others are not alone & I want you to know how much your writing has moved & inspired me even though I only came across your blog last week when I read all your posts.

    You are an example of someone who managed to grow bigger than those that hurt you, & turn shit into gold, in my opinion.

    I think it’s one of the most important reasons we are here…

    To not only refuse to let those who hurt us make our hearts cold, but to somehow turn the pain they inflicted on us & choose compassion & love anyway.

    The house of cards is about to fall, Jimmy, & it’s going to come down because of the suffering of so many children for so long.

    1. I fully understand where you are coming from and your stance is admirable..

      I too abhor the fact that any petition has to go before the very people who are hell-bent on burying any evidence and making it almost impossible for victims and witnesses to be heard.

      Thank you, you have given me a lot to think about now..

      With Respect

      Jimmy…

      1. Hey Jimmy, I’ve only known you existed for a week & you have made me cry, laugh, hope & at times, despair (in a good way!) & I really hope you keep doing it because it’s special mate.

        Thank you for responding man.

        Keep doing your thing Jimmy!

  7. i wrote this in reply to another blog but think it relevant here

    the abuse in almost all welsh care homes either physical, psychological and sexual, the atmosphere in these places was one of total fear(for me) wether it be from a senior member of staff that used to punch us in the face for being a few minutes late to the almost unbelievable amount of bullying that resulted from the pent up anger that was festering away amongst us all so much so that when we got attention from a pedo it was sometime welcomed because at least they were being nice to us, this unfortunately leads to very fractured individuals that find it hard to trust and when you can’t trust people you don’t have a hope until we can begin to forgive our selves
    andy

  8. This is one of the best things I’ve read for a while. I’m proud, proud that there are still some good people around. Restores my flagging faith in the world. Proud of people like you, who are the true inspirations in life.

  9. A lot more went into that than “normal” people know…..Thank you Jimmy

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